there's a me you would not recognize, dear

No you ain't gonna find me, cause I ain't who I used to be.

This past summer I did something I never thought I would do. I got a tattoo. I love my  husband's tattoos but I've always been scared it would hurt too badly! For me, emotional pain: eh, big deal, but physical pain: I'm a total wuss. If you've visited my blog for any length of time or made the effort to read the teeny, tiny writing in my journal posts, it'll probably come as no surprise to hear that I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety since my childhood. There have been some terrible, dark periods in my life, but for the most part it is something that has always been there and, I've assumed, always would be. But--without going into any unnecessary details--nothing could have prepared me for the depths of despair the last 2 1/2 years would bring me.

I know I still have a long way to go, but I've been working extremely hard the last 5 months to get my head above water, and I am doing better. I feel hopeful again and that's something I thought I might have lost forever. So I started thinking that what I needed was a kind of memorial--something easier to carry than a pile of stones--to all that we've been through and to the hard-won lessons we've learned along the way. An outward symbol of an inward change. Written on my body as a reminder to never forget and never give up.

I am the barely living daughter of a woman and a man who barely made it. But we're making it. Taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts. We all have the same holes in our hearts. --Listener

When I told my husband John my idea that we get matching tattoos, he was all for it. But I knew I'd better book an appointment before I could lose my nerve--and I almost did! Once a date was set, though, it turned out not to be the pain I was most scared of but the forever change (always, it's the change). So I reminded myself the scars were already there, I'd just be walking around with them on the outside of my body from now on.

Of course, now that it's done (it barely hurt a bit and took all of 20 minutes) I'm already planning my next tattoo! I've learned the hard way that there are times when pain can be good. It's a reminder that you're still alive. And that there are things worth living--and fighting--for.

Comments

[lee]

wow, i love the quote, i love that you were brave (because I am not)

[Kim Mailhot]

The tattoo is beautiful. I am planning to get one for my 50th birthday in 3 years. Some kind of script too with my life mantra "Love is the answer to every question."
Brava for going for it, just for you, Brave One.

[Kelly]

I LOVE your tattoo! Kudos and more power to you for being so brave and for sharing your braveness with us.

Your blog is one of my favorites. Thank you for being you and for what you share. It takes a lot to have that strength.

Big hugs

[Danielle]

In your over exposure of the rawness that is you, burried in the depths of your humanity and experience, you are truly the most beautiful soul my eyes have had to behold. For so long now you have been dear to my heart despite the distance in connection or otherwise, it truly is an awe to watch you grow:)

[Shannon Almanzar]

Love ya

[Susie LaFond]

You go girl. Just know in this tiny square space in your life, I understand even without all the details and back story. I carry around many stones too...too many falls and no one around to catch me. Love the quote and admire and applaud your determination. As long as you've got that in your back pocket, nothing can stop you...kudos for sharing it with us.

[susancrane]

That's a beautiful quote, Debra, glad it is helping you heal. Also, congrats on your inclusion in that gorgeous book!!

[Gail]

That's beautiful. I'm glad you took the plunge and got the tat.

[sara jean]

Beautiful choice! I also use tattoos as "physical with me always" reminders. BTW you're hooked now! Tattoos really are addicting...

[melissa]

Found you via a pin on Pinterest with your wonderful journals...got to reading, saw the tattoo story (I got one in April) and your comments about your depression rang true to me. Thanks so much. Having dark times and appreciating your honesty.

[Marva]

Love your blog! I just found it via Pinterest... I too have suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia etc and it always amazes me that so many other people have it that you would never have realized. Hang in there, a quote that has helped me get through some terribly dark times - God never gives your more than you can handle. :D