drained. hollow. empty. barren. fizzled out.

 

Somehow I misplaced my creativity. My ability to play with art. Or maybe the sun melted it out of me. Regardless of how it happened, it is long gone now. Even my doodling feels too controlled and contrived. I can admit it now. It used to be the heat that kept me out of my art room but now it is fear. Fear of the blank page. Fear that I've lost it for good. Fear that I couldn't produce anything if I tried. Fear that I'll always feel this way. Thankfully, the door is still unlocked but when I walk in, I can't find myself there (and I certainly can't lose myself there either) and have no idea what I'm doing. Nothing excites me. Nothing even interests me. It might as well be someone else's room.

 

In 2 days we are set to close on our new house. It's true, part of my hesitation to jump into my art comes from knowing we'll only be in this space a while longer so what's the point of dragging out a bunch of stuff that I'll only have to pack away soon? Too, I keep thinking about the great studio in our new house--so much potential, and that still excites me--but then I think about the packing and unpacking that awaits me again and I'm exhausted. Too exhausted to try and squeeze out a few measly drops of creative energy.

 

It used to be so easy. I didn't even have to try. Now that I've neglected my "real art" or whatever you want to call it for so long, it's hard. Too hard. It gives me a headache just thinking about it--I'm not exaggerating. What happened to me and how could I have just let it happen?? I know, this is just the natural ebb and flow of creativity and I just need to push through the resistance. But I don't feel like it. I know, I know, I've been here before and I'll get through it just like I did then. But I don't want to work at it. I want it to be easy again. So I sit here and whine.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have tried to compose this post when I do have a raging headache, I'm sweating in my own house and it's only going to get worse, and all I want to do is go back to bed. But then maybe there's someone out there who can totally relate. Or maybe there's still someone out there who thinks I have it all together and probably never go through days like this. Ha! Guess I showed you.

Lest you worry too much, I'm still doing creative things. I'm going through the motions. I'm almost finish with Maisey's blanket. Just have the edging to go and it's my favorite part. I'm doodling from time to time, controlled and contrived though it seems. I made the most amazing freezer jam last week and can't wait to make more. Last Wednesday I spent the afternoon making jewelry with friends. I even spent an hour a few nights ago working on those still undone last few pages in my Remains of the Day journal. But my art soul remains empty. I even bought a new art book that managed to excite me for a few minutes but just depresses me now. Even without opening, it mocks me. So I burried it under the rest of the books I've been hiding in lately. I won't let it see what's become of me.

 

Comments

[Barb]

I have felt this same way...empty and drained of any creativity. But like so many other parts in life, it's a stage that we go through...I think it may be our creative self trying to recharge. Don't sweat it, don't worry about it...just do whatever you feel like doing and wait it out, your creative self will emerge again. *hugs*
Peace & Love,
~Barb~

[Tanya Gilmartin]

you know what? We have all been there- you know that. Just DON"T do any art- make your jam, concentrate on moving into your new home. set up your new room. It. Will. Come. back.

And i have to say, it's reassuring to hear it happens to you too! so thanks for sharing.

Good luck with the move

[Courtney]

Maybe now's just not the time~ it'll come back!

[jessica loughrey]

been there! it'll be back though, you'll see! hang in there. :)

[Caatje]

Sounds like you just got a lot on your mind and maybe are making it worse by being so hard on yourself by making all kinds of assumptions about what this lack of artmaking says about you and your art. Been there done that. And you know what: it says absolutely nothing about you and your art except that...yes, you have a lot on your mind. So what?

I know the feeling of feeling (feeling of feeling?) unproductive, lethargic even, when it comes to my art, but unlike the other responders my best remedy is simply to do something anyway. Get out those supplies right now and make something. Anything. That thing about having to put the stuff away soon anyway is just an excuse, because you're bummed out about your art right now. (I am an expert excuse maker so I recognize them).

Let whatever you make suck, what do you care? It's not like you're going to have to sell it to a gallery or show it to people. It's just to get out of your non art making rut. You know that saying: feel the fear and do it anyway? Well, in this case I would say, feel the reluctance and do it anyway! You might be pleasantly surprised (or not, but at least you didn't let the art bore get to you). Hey, bad art is still art!

Trust me, I know the above is a lot easier said than done. That little step of actually picking up some art supplies can seem like an enormous challenge. You only realise it really wás a little step AFTER you've taken it. The world can be very unfair that way ;-) You wait to be in the right mood to start again, but it's the starting again that's going to put you in the right mood! At least that's how it works for me.

Sorry for my long rant...couldn't stop myself. Good luck on whatever you do and you are talented, I've seen your work!

[Gwen Delmore]

I agree with Caatje 100%! This is so true, the motto of my art journaling group is, "when in doubt, just glue s*** down!".

Let go of any expectations of good or bad, and just put some color on paper and glue something to it, and make another mark, you get the idea.

I love the idea that even if it is bad art, it is still art! You will have your mojo back before you know it.

Good luck with the move, by the way, and I hope the new house has ac!!

xo

[ToLiveInspired]

Be gentle with yourself where you need to and push yourself where you need to.. Start with Self Care, just nurture and be gentle with what your life is telling you.. it will come back to you..

[Jane Stewart]

Hope you get your mojo back soon.

[Candace]

The thought of moving will zap all creativity. Focus on the move and creativity will come later.

[odd chick]

Don't worry about your art. It will always be there... waiting... with no guilt, no expectation..Just imagine that you are wondering in your own aimless landscape right now and watch for colorful paths and amazing images along the way.